I am now a firm believer that disappointment, no matter how discouraging, can be a good lesson learned at times. I hope it doesn’t sound too idealistic but you can now say that my mid-year resolution is to try different approaches to small life events in general. Say: 1) A boy I like doesn’t like me back—maybe first thing first, I should be more focused on expanding my own capacity until I have this impressive belief in my worth. 2) My new environment turns out to be more insipid than it is refreshing—adapting is not easy and so I should be more forgiving of myself for not being able to mingle very quickly. 3) A goal that has been a silent desire to my heart proves to be more of a weigh-down than a motivation—perhaps it's simply because the path is not for me. Perhaps I am not meant to be what I thought I could be.
While I'm trying to recite that everything is okay, that nothing is not under control, I can't deliberately ignore the fact that those so-called life lessons I'm learning to peacefully live with have been baffling me a lot too. It is harder to make do especially when I’m still in the middle of navigating life and searching for a nook fitted for me in a journey some said could last a lifetime.
"Do I belong here?" I often found myself asking this very question until it eventually reshaped itself into, "Will I belong here?" The fear, the weariness, the hesitation—all severely affect the way I see the world regardless of how many times I try to convince myself over and over by saying, "No matter how hard, I'm not going to quit this easy. I ain't a quitter." Strong as it may sound, deep down I can only be hopeful to preserve this principle as long as I'm able to.
It is, however, far easier to convince myself otherwise. While muddling through feels like a giant achievement no matter how minuscule the step is, I feel like the bold part in me that bravely screams, "I'm not a quitter" is starting to slowly fade away behind the mask of a quiet new girl from the other town. Sometimes it feels like a charade. The other times it feels like playing pretend. Are people going to care enough to dig through my real self and laugh at how incredibly ridiculous I can be with my closest? Dammit, am I strong enough to shrug it off if they aren't? And finally, will I be smart enough to realize that this, along with how tough the obstacles are along the way, is not worth quitting?
I honestly don't know. Those are the questions I have been asking myself repeatedly much to my chagrin. I don't want to be a quitter, but what if there is something in life worth quitting after you tried, and tried, and tried? What if I can endure the crashing waves as long as I'm fine being on the verge of losing myself in the process? What if this belief I hold on closely to my heart is nothing other than a sheer motivational speech that can't even be applied in every situation?
A million what-ifs in my head, but my heart longs to believe that there is going to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not a quitter, after all. I have never been one before—or at least not that I'm aware of. Hopefully, I can say the same too in the future.
But well, better not to shut one's eye to the worst-case scenario, right? I mean, I have no clue what kind of lemon life will be handing over to me in this path that I chose. Should it be sweet, sour, or the mixture of both, I can only wish that the lemonade I make will produce a good lasting impact on my tongue. It's probably not wise to declare something that has yet to be uncovered, but whatever it is that waiting for me at the end of this chapter—whether I will stay put or shamelessly raise the white flag and walk towards the exit—I hope I can still maintain that initial bravery that shines deep within me. I hope I know when to walk out so I don't lose myself or else I will regret the loss afterward. I hope that to quit or not to quit is not a matter of saving pride or even showing off, but rather a final decision to appreciate my limit.
As long as I have given my best, all is okay. As long as I have tried the hardest, all is fine. I believe in my best intention to make the fairest call. Should I stay put and manage to make an agreeable routine out of it, I will be very happy. But I also promise myself to approach the disappointment from quitting wisely if the portal, by any chance, is over my limit, and acknowledge my effort for going that far.
