Believe it or not, I used to associate March with these words: "hot and dry weather", "slow month", and "nothing special". March used to be the time of the year when I started to feel more settled with everything new: the obvious change in the last digit of the date, and the apparent transition from the good old rainy days to the brighter ones. It might seem like March offered nothing new, but even if it never was my favorite, the third month was a solid one in itself.
This year's March was very much different though. Working in a consultant firm means I have to accept the fact that in seasons like this, work-life balance is a myth. March felt long and short at the same time: hours passed by slowly that I could keep track of days no more—which eventually led me to desperately wishing a simpler, much different life; but during midnight two days ago, it was also hard to believe that 31 days had finally passed.
Honestly, it tells a lot. I'm not much of an adventurer, but I like trying new things. Something about challenges easily excites me, so working in a place where stability never is the constant rhythm feels suitable and somewhat liberating. But this March, at last, everything wore me out completely. It was terribly hard because exhaustion took the best of me, and the more I grow up, the more I feel less of an adult and more of a child.
I felt lost—a little empty too—because it seemed like I knew more at twenty than I am at twenty-four. The wretched thought that I was not good enough, clever enough, felt like a blow brutally landed without me knowing how to deal with it. My life that one month spun around the sentiment, and I constantly found myself questioning everything I had come to desire.
But thank goodness I feel so much better today. Hours of sleep have done me good if not great and truly catching up with my family after weekends being trapped in bubbles of deadlines feels amazing. I start listening to good music, feeling the usual obsession with aesthetic things, and working on falling in love with being alive again. I believe that everyone has this different, beautiful light in them, if only we know how to leave room for magic.
If you're experiencing what I'm experiencing, if you feel outdated and have too much to improve that it finally becomes unbearably impossible, just keep in mind that this too shall pass. A lot of things in March felt slightly more like a nightmare than a valuable lesson learned, so let me just store them for another day. In other words, I choose to skip the bad parts and leave them all behind. Who knows, maybe one day I would have the courage big enough to take notes from them, but for now—quoting what Lorde said in her Mood Ring—let me heal from the inside. I want my light to come back, and leave room for magic to work its way through mine.
On a side note: who really cares about what you think than yourself anyway?
