For these past two and a half years, my life has been rocking constantly in a drastic up-and-down. Albeit dramatic, the trembles have been what I understand best and thus look forward to from time to time. I'm far from being an ambitious person who needs to achieve a particular target before a particular number, but as far as love goes, I do love my job as a tax consultant.
It turns out that being passionate about something helps me to truly thrive. In a fast-paced environment, you just don't stand and wait at a bus stop—you run to catch up with the previous bus. I think it's weird now, but I was voluntarily doing that most of the time. I gave my best to catch the previous bus, the one before it, and another one before the other. I was obsessed with absorbing as many lessons as I could, not so I could get promoted quickly or look good in front of others, but rather because I wanted to be smart.
I realize this is not independent of the amazing people I have met whom I get to learn so much from during my time here. It's fun to recall how some clients resemble my aunties with their big bags and gossip, how some look like they should be on the screen, while some look like they are genuinely bored with their job. In my team though, I find experiences, knowledge, and... friends.
If I'm being honest, being as close to them as I am now is a little unexpected. I was not exactly impressive on my first day. I befriended two people who quit not long after I had become a permanent addition to the group, and so I had no proof to believe that I would make even more amazing friends in the future. Needless to say, that month became an awkward season of me wondering about whom would I sit with at lunch.
While people come and go, friendships dim and start, however. Our office has slowly become a second home as we're spending most of our time there. And I consider myself lucky to be able to spend it with my friends now. I will never forget all of our inside jokes, how money lying on the table wouldn't invite thievery but stationeries most likely would, how a friend cried upon knowing my intention to quit, how we brainstormed what to do if zombies ever invaded our building, or how we debated over whether our favorite chicken menu was basked with union-based or nut-based chili sauce.
I have so many good memories with them that sometimes it's hard to remember why I finally chose to quit in the first place. They have watched me grow so much in two years, and for better or worse, they have indirectly shaped me into the woman I am today. While the connection is pure, I realize that I want to become much more than just a worker who works for a minimum of 11 hours a day. At the end of the day, I know I have to be selfish.
Words can't phantom how heartbroken I am writing this (heck, I cried like a baby before, during, and after the farewell celebration). I love my job. I love my friends. I just want to love life more. It's admittedly hard to do it when a day feels like it would never end but a year feels as rapid as a blink of an eye. Some said you should work as hard as you can while you're young. Some others said that you will only be young once. The internal battle had started much longer before the difficult decision was announced. With no time to be afraid, I finally chose myself.
Fears still claw its talon deeply in me though. Even when I've become more carefree about the future after weeks of learning how to tame the fear of uncertainty, I still am not a free man. I didn't go out very often—weekends felt more like a sacred time to rest. I didn't fall in love—I had crushes that were soon forgotten once I was back to the hectic working rhythm I was more comfortable with. A little part of me wondered, now that work doesn't eat up most of my time, will I be lonely? Being on call day and night to do any given task has been my identity for so long that I have forgotten how to detach myself from my position.
I don't know what the future holds, or what my new office is gonna be like. In the meantime, I just want to remember that I am more than just my job or my position, and that the world is limitless. I want to believe that life will bring me to an even more beautiful path, and this will be the beginning of a better new chapter.
I started excitingly counting days last month. I stopped though. It just got so sad.
