Random, usually near negative, past memories hit me sometimes. Even in the middle of a relatively decent day, my mind has this weird audacity to re-promote an old wound. Is it normal? I am quite sure that my brain is not a masochist, so I am going to believe that it is a general problem of the public.
I find it scary that something hurtful in the last decades could seem so distant now, almost like it happened in another lifetime, yet the flash of how it used to taste could still appall me, leaving a trail of tiny cuts in my mind. Like when I remember something small in particular from eleven years ago: “Was it real? Am I dreaming? Did it belong to me in another universe?” How it used to affect little me is still as vivid as the memory itself, but when the realization of how different I have become since then slowly surfaces, the past seems a little distorted.
Looking back to the misshaped old days, I can’t help but ponder about how winding the road has been. I remember the small, buried hope of a little believer—an honest naivety of a kid—and a long road that used to be perceived as something more. It was a hope for a different future. Something firm to hold on to. And time and time again I powered through even when pebbles got into my shoes and all Snow White’s birds flew.
It is no more than a contorted reality now, something that I am sure happened in the past but was too young to know better. It feels like a fever dream too sometimes where I wake up in the morning with a scream because everything feels distant but scarily real.
Well, if lessons learned was the only thing it left me with, the experiences would be quite useful. I mean, nightmares wouldn't kill you—constant recurrences would instead ready you for them. But like buying a deluxe version of your favorite singer's album, I found something unexpected, though in this case antithetically unwished-for.
Random, usually near negative, daydreams hit me sometimes. Even in the middle of a relatively decent day, my mind has this weird tendency to surmise that something must have gone wrong. Is it normal? I am pretty sure that my brain is not going crazy, so I am going to believe that it is another general problem of the public.
... And I do feel better now, as you can see by how fairly short this writing has been cut out. The idea behind this post bloomed a few weeks ago when I hadn't been able to stop inventing the havoc.
