When I was a kid, having a crush was the biggest thing I had ever experienced in life. It was like a top-secret situation, with a top-secret file I held onto cautiously. I might’ve stolen some discreet glances now and then, or paced back and forth just to catch a few glimpses of the suspect—but I was so natural back then. Nobody noticed anything unusual.
If anyone had found out, though, I was pretty sure I would’ve died of embarrassment.
Fast forward to years later, and the present has proven that I knew nothing as a kid. Having a crush, as it turns out, isn’t something embarrassing. So many people I know have fearlessly jumped into online dating pools just to find someone to have a crush on. Instead of being a top-secret situation, it has become voluntary. Publicly desired, even.
Perhaps adulting’s whatsits and whatnots have begun to weigh on me more than I realize. I turn 28 today. I understand how grown-up I am just by looking at that number. If I beat someone at something now, society wouldn’t tease the other party by saying, “Ha! You were beaten by a little girl!”
It’s just not cute anymore.
I’ve reached the age where everything starts to feel super serious, and being the one to claim victory would label me a competitive, ambitious woman who treads too loudly on her heels. In simpler words, I feel more seen now—not in any way invasive, but rather in a quiet neutrality that’s environmental.
I mean, I get it. For the sake of normalcy, being performative is sometimes necessary. But for someone who upholds consistency-based performance, conforming can feel like a violation. And so, the few weeks leading up to my 28th birthday have felt a bit topsy-turvy, where I question everything—and also nothing.
“Having high integrity can be both a blessing and a curse” is my conclusion. But even then—even now—I know that I’m proud of who I’ve become. I believe in good intentions and equal goodwill. I believe in being kind without getting stepped on. I believe in adjusting myself in different situations—sometimes not heartless, just less empathetic.
And I’m 28 now. I call it the starting year of my more beautiful self.
In my more relaxed, fun-loving blog, Rolife Coaster, I said that this year is going to be different. I know it sounds like a wish—but I truly feel it in my bones. This is the year where everything will fall into place, and things are going to get even better from here on.
There’s a particular beauty in life’s ups and downs—the beauty of growing up.
0 Comments